On Codependency: Denial Patterns
Codependency is a common relational pattern associated with anxiety, substance use/ addiction, and other mental health disorders. But what really is codependency and is it really that problematic?
On the Co-Dependents Anonymous (CoDA) website, we can find the main characteristics of codependency broken down into 5 groups. Co-Dependents Anonymous is a group that utilizes the 12 steps to address codependency issues. These traits can be found under the meeting materials tab on the website.
Click here for additional codependency resources.
As stated earlier in our series exploring codependency, most people possess characteristics of codependency because, by nature, we are codependent beings; we need each other to survive. CoDA states that if we possess or identify with 4 or more of the traits listed under each group, we struggle with that type of codependency which can stem from anxiety disorders, substance abuse disorders, and other mental health issues. If we identify with less than 4 of the listed traits, we are considered healthy and doing what any healthy person would do.
So for the next few weeks, we will be breaking down these characteristics of codependency, to better understand and identify if codependency may be a contributing factor to your anxiety, substance use, or other mental health struggles, and consider if addressing codependency may be a part of your anxiety therapy, addiction counseling or mental health treatment needs.
We will start with the first group of symptoms listed in CoDA characteristics of codependency: denial patterns.
Denial Patterns:
Those who struggle with codependency often, denial patterns may include things like:
• having difficulty identifying what they are feeling.
• minimizing, altering, or denying how they truly feel.
• perceiving themselves as completely unselfish and dedicated to the well-being of others.
• lacking empathy for the feelings and needs of others.
• labeling others with their negative traits.
• thinking they can take care of themselves without any help from others.
• masking pain in various ways such as anger, humor, or isolation.
• expressing negativity or aggression in indirect and passive ways.
• not recognizing the unavailability of those people to whom they are attracted.
At the heart of this group, individuals struggle with accepting and/or taking ownership of situations in their lives, be it within themselves or in relation to others. Most of the traits listed are self-explanatory, but some are a little more complex and lead to more questions.
For Example:
“Lack empathy for the feelings and needs of others” off the bat sounds like serial killer stuff and not a generic trait for normal people. If we break that sentence down though, individuals who struggle with denial patterns do not understand their own feelings well enough to identify them which makes it harder to have empathy for those of others. This is not because they are sociopaths but simply because they don’t really know what feelings are or look like well enough to understand those of other people.
“Think they can take care of themselves without any help from others” means I’m independent and therefore I am not codependent, right? Well not really. Unless you are a hunter and go out to get your own food every day, we are dependent and rely on farmers every single day to provide nourishment for ourselves, which is the most basic example of our need for help from other people. The delusional thought of utter and complete independence in and of itself is a denial pattern of codependency because we don’t want to or refuse to believe that we need other people to help us.
Denial patters as defense mechanisms
Denial patterns are confusing because they are not the first thing anyone thinks of when it comes to being dependent on others. But these traits are learned behaviors that other people can’t be relied upon or are too unstable to depend on.
So as a defense mechanism, we deny that need and are unable to identify the need at all. Sometimes we take on these traits to protect ourselves from being hurt and the traits make sense in certain situations. Possessing most of these traits however keeps us from connecting to others which hinders our ability for growth as human beings and that is when we need to step in and start changing things.
So denial pattern: maybe not the first thing that you would associate with codependency, but an important piece of the overall codependency patterns that contribute to anxiety, substance use/ addiction, and other common mental health concerns.
By Chrissy LaCivita, LCSW
If you are interested in learning more about codependency and how it may be an important component of anxiety therapy or addiction recovery, keep following along as we explore more aspects of this relational pattern over the next few weeks.
Has this conversation stirred some thoughts or questions related to exploring more about anxiety therapy, addiction counseling, or even thoughts of starting your own journey of understanding how experiences of the past may be impacting present patterns and relationships? If so, we are here to help. Our Arlington, TX-based therapy group employs educated and compassionate therapists for quality and evidence-based therapy services for both online therapy and in person.
