On Codependency: Compliance
Welcome back! We are on to another week and another element of codependency to unpack together. This week we are unpacking compliance patterns and hope you leave with a better understanding of yet another element of codependency.
Via the Co-Dependents Anonymous (CoDA) website, we find the main characteristics of codependency broken down into 5 groups. Co-Dependents Anonymous is an organization that applies the 12 steps model to address codependency issues. More information on these traits can be found under the meeting materials tab on the website.
Click here for additional codependency resources.
As we have noted earlier, the majority of people possess some characteristics of codependency because, by nature, we are codependent beings; we need each other to survive. CoDA asserts the guideline that if we possess or identify with 4 or more of the traits listed under each group, we struggle with that type of codependency. These traits can stem from anxiety disorders, substance abuse disorders, and other mental health issues. If an individual identifies with less than 4 of the listed traits, we are considered healthy and doing what any healthy person would do.
The next element of codependency is compliance.
In compliance as an element of codependence, codependents often:
• are extremely loyal, remaining in harmful situations too long.
• compromise their own values and integrity to avoid rejection or anger.
• put aside their own interests in order to do what others want.
• are hypervigilant regarding the feelings of others and take on those feelings.
• are afraid to express their beliefs, opinions, and feelings when they differ from those of others.
• accept sexual attention when they want love.
• make decisions without regard to the consequences.
• give up their truth to gain the approval of others or to avoid change.
Compliance patterns are another set of codependency traits that intuitively make sense. These individuals are submissive and tend to comply with the wants of others over their own needs.
So Let’s unpack where these traits may develop.
As a child, we look up to our parents for our well-being and support. If our parents struggle with control issues, anxiety might lead them to be overbearing. The easiest way for children to deal with these behaviors may be to just go along with whatever they want. People struggling with addiction often are very callous and demanding in their abuse, and for a kid, the safest way to navigate the household may be to just comply.
One trait listed above that confuses people at first glance is “accept sexual attention when they want love.” This trait implies that someone will settle for a hookup or a friends-with-benefits type relationship when they actually want to have a meaningful relationship with a person. (Or at a minimum will settle for lack of respect, care, or qualities needed to feel positive about a sexual experience.)
By giving other people what they want, an individual can passively or partially get their own needs met.
For example:
“Dad’s drunk. If I just go along with whatever he wants, I’m less likely to get hit.”
“Rather than fighting mom, I’ll just do what she says, and then maybe I’ll get to do what I want later.”
With this thought process or upbringing, being in a halfway relationship with someone or getting that physical attention might be fulfilling in a way and could lead to more, at the expense of the compliant individual’s true wants and needs.
Like low self-esteem traits, compliance patterns are not unique to codependency. At one time or another, we can all say we’ve bent to the wants or needs of others at the expense of ourselves. As pack animals, humans need to do this from time to time to coexist with one another.
We all have differing opinions and if we all were completely rigid, we’d be dealing with World War 498 by this point in time rather than joking (hopefully) about World War III. The issue is when someone always complies and places their needs after everyone and everything else. This leads to unhappiness and dependence that can be used by others to control us. This is a great segue into the set of characteristics!
By Chrissy LaCivita, LCSW
Has this conversation left you wanting to know about codependency or what options exist in addressing your own anxiety therapy or addiction counseling needs? If so, we would love to connect. Our Arlington, TX-based therapy group is equipped to partner with you in whatever stage of your journey that you find yourself. We offer online therapy service and in person at our Arlington, TX office. Drop us a message to connect with a member of our team today!
