Recovering From Infidelity Trauma
Leeann Martinez, LMSW is a trauma therapist and EMDR therapist, passionate about making trauma recovery accessible for everyone. Learn more from Leeann as she discusses the unique aspects of infidelity trauma and the road toward healing.
After experiencing infidelity trauma, you may find yourself asking, will I ever get over this? Will I feel like this forever? In these times of questioning, you may be wondering how to recover. Before expanding, I would be remiss not to share, that recovery looks different for everyone. Comparison can be a thief of joy, so it is with the utmost importance that you read the following and allow yourself to adapt it to your life as you see fit, and not as a measuring stick towards your recovery.
With the former being said, it is your choice to work on it by yourself or with your partner and to have no shame either way. In this case, the following will delineate on how to recover with your partner versus how to recover separately.
Recovering Together
If you are recovering with your partner, there is likely trust that would need to be rebuilt. It is desired that the partner who engaged in the infidelity would be understanding of the time and effort it will take for you to rebuild trust. The first step in rebuilding trust is open communication. Preferably, you would be able to build a new set of boundaries and limitations that accommodate your needs in the rebuilding trust phase. The more that your partner engages in respecting those boundaries and limitations, the more your trust for them grows. Another helpful part of recovering from infidelity trauma is being able to communicate about your experience and emotions with your partner. These conversations would need their own rules set around them for each person. If you are having trouble processing the infidelity together, it is always a good idea to seek out professional help through individual therapy and/or couples therapy. (1)
Recovering Solo
There are times people choose to part ways after infidelity trauma, whatever your reason may be, it is possible to do this alone. If you are having trouble processing this trauma, ideally, you would utilize individual therapy to assist in the process, but here are some helpful tips to get you started.
Firstly, it is crucial to keep in mind the Stages of Grief and Acceptance. There are five stages including: Denial, Depression, Anger, Bargaining, and Acceptance. A helpful framework to identify what stage you are in would be by non-judgmentally observing your thoughts, emotions, and sensations and identifying what one to five stages you see yourself in. It is possible that you would be in more than one at a time. The stages of grief are not sequential but rather are like a spider web. It will be important to not judge yourself during this time and to practice acceptance for each stage you reach. Eventually, you will feel more and more acceptance for what you went through. It is important to note, that acceptance is not agreeance, just because you accept what you experienced, does not mean you agree with it. (2)
In the denial stage, you may not feel the difficult emotions related to the experience. This can be helpful, as denial can give you time to adjust. In the denial stage, some helpful coping skills may be distracting yourself in helpful ways. This could look like, watching your comfort movies that help you to feel positive emotions, seeing people that will support you, etc.
In the anger stage, this will give you something to work with. Where, in the denial, depression, and bargaining stage, you may feel disconnected, anger can help you to understand what you need and want. Helpful coping skills for this stage could be exercises that let you express your anger, it is important to keep in mind that these skills should be safe for you and others, and wouldn’t push you past your stress tolerance.
For the bargaining stage, you’ll find yourself questioning things, even yourself. In this stage, it is important for you to be reminded of the facts of the situation.
The depression stage, while it is difficult to go through this stage, is a step towards healing. For this stage, it would be best to engage in playful activities that may make you feel excited. Getting to the acceptance stage will likely feel like a breath of fresh air. It is important in this stage to affirm all the work and growth you have done to help in your healing process. Engaging in this exercise can really help affirm where you stand in your recovery. (3) It is important to remember that it is possible to recover from infidelity trauma whether it be together or separately.
If you are recovering from infidelity trauma or any other form of trauma and desire the support of a trauma therapist, our team is here to help. Whether you are interested in online therapy or would like to connect in person with a therapist at our Arlington, TX therapy practice, our team is here to help.
