What is my Child or Teen Watching?
Whether it’s the first time or the fifth time, or the 25th time, seeing content on your child or teen’s device that looks concerning, or less than age appropriate is never a fun discovery for any parents. But given the digital world that your child and teen live in, it is likely to happen in almost every household. Today we are going to take a few moments to discuss potentially positive ways to address and navigate the conversation when your child is viewing or has viewed content online that you feel is not age-appropriate.
Here are five steps to consider in navigating this conversation:
Step 1: Ask open-ended questions.
The first and most critical error that many parents make when addressing these types of conversations with teens or children is making statements rather than asking open-ended questions. Open-ended questions must be answered with more than a yes or a no.
When conversations are started with statements, closed-ended questions, leading questions, or aggressive postures, The natural response of any human is to shut down, self protects, or withdraw. In these types of situations, many parents are fearful and want to understand truly what is happening or the full breadth of what their child or chain has been viewing, and where or how they learned about the material. By asking those types of questions, you will limit the communication that you will have with your team, and it will likely be counterproductive to the end goal of your conversation.
Some examples of good open-ended questions might be:
“So I was looking through our family’s online history and noticed a few sites that I wasn’t familiar with. Could you tell me a little bit about these?”
“I noticed that the video you’re watching was talking about a “blank” topic and I realize that that wasn’t something that we had discussed together. I was just curious, what do you understand about this topic, where have you heard about it, and do you have questions about it”
Or even better… before there is content to discuss:
“What have you been enjoying watching these days?”
“There are a lot of strange creators online these days. Have you come across any new content that was confusing?
Step 2: Avoid strong responses.
Building off of the last point, strong responses tend to send any human into a state of self-protection. Children and teens fit the same model; if they are afraid they are in trouble, or they are approached with an aggressive or strong tone, or if something feels remotely unsafe about the conversation, there is a very strong chance that they will shut down, avoid, or attempt to escape the situation as soon as possible. For a parent that is hoping to use this as a moment to understand their child or chain in their experience is better, strong responses will likely be counterproductive to the end goal.
Step 3: Work to connect before you correct.
In addition to avoiding strong responses, emphasis on connection, will likely promote feelings of safety in the conversation and again, increase your ability to have honest communication. Connecting, or establishing a strong loving, affirming, and safe relationship in the context of the conversation between parent and child is imperative for honesty and learning to occur.
These hard conversations might be done best accompanied by an activity that you and your child are teens and enjoy doing together, after or between moments of silliness, or in the context of family rituals of connection. The greater the safety in the conversation that is established, the greater communication and honesty that you will receive.
And yes, there are times that consequences are likely appropriate, but leading with connection will always be more productive than leading with consequence or correction.
Step 4: Have these conversations often, not just one time when you see concerning material.
When we are thinking about the content that your teen or child is viewing, there will likely be frequent opportunities to address things that they are seeing or hearing, and frequent conversations will make this a normal part of your parent-child relationship. Ask frequent questions about what they have enjoyed watching if there have been any new shows, apps, or content creators they have been interested in, and what they find fun or interesting about it.
It’s important that these conversations end on positive notes, that all of these conversations do not involve consequences or severe correction, and that frequent conversations create normal dialogue surrounding hard things that your child may be learning about or being exposed to.
The amazing part about establishing a routine of conversations surrounding what your child or teen is listening to or seeing is that it helps you as their parent create a narrative for their understanding of this information. This is where you get to help them form their thoughts, opinions, and beliefs surrounding the information that they are taking in.
Step 5: Stay informed through quality resources.
And last and certainly not least, it is imperatively important as the parent of a child or a teen, that you stay up-to-date on the current trends, threats, and content that your children may be exposed to. New apps, shows, videos, and modes of communication are developed every day, and it does take intentional effort to know and stay ahead of your child or teen in evaluating the safety of the material that they may be viewing or the app so they may be engaging with. Many ab resources related to parental controls, or parental oversight of teen devices can be helpful, a few other resources to consider include:
Keeping Children Safe Online: an initiative through the Department of Justice
Pew Research Center’s: Parenting in the Age of Screens
Therapy is a great place to help establish the communication that is needed to navigate hard situations and reinforce some of the safety values and principles that many parents desire. Child and teen therapy can be a great place to help build solid skills of communication, manage emotional health responses, and have hard conversations about many different topics and stressors in life. If you were looking for a therapist to partner with your child or teen, a member of our team would love to help. We offer in-person child, teen, and family therapy services at Arlington Texas-based therapy office and online through our online therapy services.
